Tag Archives: Love

Why do we want what we can’t and shouldn’t have? or Jealousy

6 Dec

Airplanes, skype, facetime, whatsapp, viber, and all the technology we have nowadays at our disposal has enabled us to cut travel times, transcend time-zones, remain connected even when we are the furthest away we’ve ever been. Having been to more than 30 countries, going to school on a different continent and simply living to travel, I had always been grateful to the available technology to keep in touch with whomever I meet on my journeys and leave behind when I move on.

Truthfully, I was never a sentimentalist, never crying at the airports and hating to say good-bye, never worried about leaving family, friends, boyfriends, relationships of any kind behind. People told me I am cold-hearted, but I felt I am too young to be tied down and there was so much more ahead of me than anything I could possibly leave behind. I always managed to maintain a distance with respect to the people surrounding me, as I knew I would soon leave. Still, the internet helped me create a sense of an international community that I am part of, having friends all over the globe and knowing I have someone to visit or crash at in all these different places. I always used it more for simply checking in, stalking what people have been up to, making sure I maintain enough of a presence so that people don’t forget me rather than actually maintaining any significant contacts. I only skype my parents when they forgot to refill my card or I miss seeing my dog and probably have two life-long friends that I talk to once every couple of months to make sure we’re seeing each other when we find ourselves in the same country.

And now I get to my story, of how the unexpected happened, and how despite me carefully not forming any lasting emotional attachment in person, I ended up being totally messed up by one formed on the internet.

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Deciding my future or Writing again, though not a rant

22 Feb

I am a strong, independent young lady that has never lost sight of her goals. Of course, I have had detours, of course there were times when I had doubts or felt disappointed. But, in my heart, I always knew what I wanted, how much I need to work for it, what I need to sacrifice in order to achieve it, and I always were able to make that choice. I walked through hell and back for my dream.

Romance especially, has never been able to make me stray from my path. Then, why now, why does this ordinary guy have this influence on me? And for so long. Why have I allowed my mind to drift away from my work, strayed away from my goal, become insecure, clingy, and awkward?

This is not a rant about my latest crush. This is me, reclaiming my life. Acknowledging the problem is always the first step towards solving it. I realise that this has gotten out of my control and I give myself until next Sunday to solve it. Either something comes out of it, or I will push this issue out of my life.

For the past 7 months I have had to deal with a wide arrange of new issues. Packing my life, moving to the other side of the world was not supposed to be easy. But, I probably should not be surprised that the real problems I encountered were not the stereotypical ones, not the ones I was warned of.

I, personally had to deal with defeat. I didn’t walk on to the women’s tennis team as I had planned on. I was not able to call myself a tennis player anymore. I lost my identity. Not having a coach and not affording to pay a physical trainer, I allowed myself to become ordinary. I put on 10 kilograms, and those were not the freshman 15. Since I moved to college and until my supposed “try-outs” I had actually lost weight. I was ready, prepared, fit. It was the disappointment, the loss of a goal and the entire situation with this guy that made me go back to sweets, to chocolate, to avoiding the running track, to avoiding the gym.

Today, I decided I cannot give up. Even if I have to take another path, I am a tennis player. I will train by myself and I will work harder than the others and I can and will still get there. And this starts today, with the first 25 days left until my first major competition in almost a year. A lot depends on it, but more depends on how I prepare for it, and how I change back to who I am supposed to be when entering such a competition.

This however, will turn into a long-term goal. As long as I am not on the team here at UCLA, it means that I am a full-time student, working towards my academic future and my career. Yes, my dream is to become a professional tennis player. But even if that becomes a reality, which I promise I will do anything in my power to make it such, I will still have my career to go to. I will be someone important. I will work at the highest level in government, nationally and internationally. I see myself as a politician, as a delegate to the UN, as foreign minister, as a diplomat. I belong there, and again, I will do everything it takes to take my rightful spot.

I will make the right choices and I will follow my plan. Becoming involved, having those positions on the board of the tennis club, the MUN club, the Romanian club, my sorority will lead me there. Doing the research projects for my Poli-Sci 199, my quarter in Washington will get me there. Getting a job will help me on my way. Interning during the quarter in Washington and during the summer will do its part. Being trained in public speaking, in making friends and acquaintances, in putting myself out there will become the foundation of my highway towards those upper levels.

Yes, I now have another set goal, the devised plan to get there and the motivation to embark on another journey. Until I graduate or make the team, I will still have my personal side quest, tennis, that I am all in for. I am in no way giving up on that there or not even putting it on hold. I am officially making it a well guarded secret so I can work on it without pressure or distractions. The goal is to maintain and slowly raise my level of consistency, confidence and experience until I will allow myself to fully dedicate my time to it. Even if this means the next 2 years and a half. I have the patience and the determination to pursue something like this. Becomes it will make me feel special and it will provide me with the incentive necessary to put in the hours that I will have to put in. And those are long hours that await me. Hitting with people, running in the mornings and going to the gym, all as side-notes to doing homework, preparing my lessons, doing the research and becoming as involved in extracurriculars such as a job, a club and my sorority.

I realise it is a lot, but this is exactly what I need. Give me a free day ahead, I will accomplish nothing for all those 24 hours and feel disappointed. Provide me with an impossibly challenging schedule for the day that awaits me, I will get everything done and feel empowered. This is me, and I embrace it. I rejoice in being so.

 I am taking a stance.

 I am back.

And this time, I am neither stopping nor slowing down.

Knowing it’s going to end or Do you still try?

9 May

Getting to the second part of my post about love (This was the first: Am I heartless? or About not sacrificing your dreams for him/her.)

So basically I have reached the second question which was:

2. Why so serious? Even knowing it’s going to end, why not?

I wonder why more and more people are so set on sealing the deal. I see so many young people settling for less then they deserve and know they deserve only out of safety reasons. Don’t they still want to try, experience, have fun anymore? Are they so afraid there won’t be a next guy/girl that likes them back?

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Am I heartless? or About not sacrificing your dreams for him/her

7 May

I don’t usually write about love or romance simply because it hasn’t been happening for me much.  I didn’t complain about it either simply because it had been a choice of mine. As with friendship or having a social life, I pretty much accepted putting it on the second, maybe third, (ok, maybe forth) place after tennis and all that had to be done to get me away from home. It may sound harsh, and I don’t say I wouldn’t have wanted or enjoyed a relationship, but I acknowledge that I am a very goal-oriented person who set her priorities straight when probably in 4th grade.

But due to some circumstances, which I will shortly detail, I have reached this subject. And for me, there are currently two issues around it.
1.    Is it heartless not to have your partner as your top priority?
2.    Why so serious? Even knowing it’s going to end, why not?

1.    Related to the first question, I always wondered if I was the weird one, not putting my boyfriend above all my other activities.

 

I’ve seen so many cases of girls and women putting their life on hold at a smaller or larger rate for their love-interest it’s kind of saddening to me.
•    My mother could have become a great doctor, a hospital chief, whatever she wanted. Instead, she settled for a teaching position because my dad wanted kids.
•     My sister, even rough she is only 22, almost moved to another country not once but three times for her boy-friend at the time. And when they leave she still makes plans to see them 6 months after their break-ups.
•     My best friend’s sister, who is 21, a bright, extremely intelligent girl, who reached the International Olympiad phase is Biology 3 times, could have gone anywhere to college. Instead, she chose to remain here for her boyfriend at the time and go to Med School. She hates it, feels unchallenged, became frustrated and guess what, they broke up.

There are many examples, but I think I made my case. I decided early on, that I wouldn’t do that. At least not yet, when I am young and have all the possibilities in the world, I will not sacrifice my development for a relationship. Perhaps I’m heartless or perhaps I didn’t meet the great love of my life, but I would never give up my independence, or my dreams and ambitions for someone. Even later one, I doubt that I would be able to do that. To me, a relationship should stand on compromise and not on complete renouncement of either one’s plans.

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I have worked very hard for my future and I will always continue to do so. Just as I tried my best in high-school in order to get into the best university, I will try my best in college to get into the best Master’s Program. I will try the hardest there and get a job where I want at the UN or Ministry of Foreign Affairs. And even then I will try my best to reach a higher position and become an ambassador or who knows what I will want at that time. The point is, that I will always desire and have something planned and I don’t see why I should even consider giving it up or wasting my effort for another person, be that the love of my life.

I am also slightly curious how much my attitude and my thoughts on romance are influenced by my parents’ unsuccessful marriage and my being previously  hurt on the one hand and my being raised as a very independent woman and my being an ambitious goal-oriented person on the other hand.

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I will split this into two posts since surprisingly I have much to express on the topic of romance and the second question reaches a more personal aspect making it thus slightly longer.

But in the end, my question remains. How much of yourself should you sacrifice for a relationship?

On the other end of learning (or About teaching)

4 Mar

I am currently going through a phase of transition in which I feel that I’m simply waiting, not committing to anything, not having a definite purpose. It’s a new feeling for me, who has always had a plan, a schedule and a place to be. Somehow, this is my rebellion. This is the reason I haven’t been writing, because I felt I was not doing anything important or worth sharing and because I didn’t want to turn this blog into my personal diary of daily lamentations and frustrations.

Even so, I do enjoy keeping myself busy and among all little things that have crept into my schedule, like reading, watching series, finally playing some games, going out (all things I thought I missed and wanted to experience) I finally found something to write about:

This weekend I officially became a ski instructor. Continue reading

Friend or more? or The Transition

1 Jan

I never thought romance to be high on my priorities list. I always said that being under the constant supervision and interdiction of my parents I would anyway not enjoy a relationship so I never even bothered.

Please notice, this is the first post related to such a topic, and this says a lot. Of course, I had my crushes, my dates and even my boyfriends, but it all happened in short meeting when my friends could cover up for me or when my parents were awake. Especially after a not so nice break-up last year I decide I don’t care anymore, I had to work to get away to a good university abroad and there my life would start. And with my grueling schedule it could not have happened otherwise.

But still, there is one thing that I do not understand. There is one guy, that I truly cared about in the last 4 years. A class mate, that I liked from day one. Our timing was never good, when I liked him, he was in a relationship, afterwards, a mutual friend told him how I felt and after some months he was apparently into me, but I was taken. Time flew by, there were upsets as well, some fights, some confessions, but anyhow we have always spent a lot of time together and we always cared for each other. Until last year, when he went on a bad path and I decided I did not need such drama in my life. But this year, so for the past 4 months, we have been inseparable. I don’t know how it happened, but we grew again closer, nothing romantic and nothing awkward, simple tight friendship.

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Daily Prompt: Immortalized in Stone: Grandmother’s Love

27 Dec

Today I’ll write a response to the daily prompt, but this is also day three of this week’s writing challenge.

Weekly Writing Challenge: Just Do It!.

Daily Prompt: Immortalized in Stone.

Your personal sculptor is carving a person, thing or event from the last year of your life. What’s the statue of and what makes it so significant?

This prompt made me think of all the significant events of this past year. And there were certainly not few. I feel I have evolved so much. I feel I changed so much. I feel my focus, my dreams, my goals and my future has changed. People came and go. I became estranged with many former friends and with my family, despite living in the same house with them. I made new friends, people who I would have never thought would come into my life and mean so much to me. But I have always thought preserving the past does you no good, and the people who just arrived will be there tomorrow. So what or who would I keep a memento of for forever?

The answer is simple. It’s the reason I have become who I am today. It’s the person who raised me since I was a few days old. The person who loves me most and unconditionally. The person who forgets all my mistakes and forgives me each time I do wrong. It is she who has stood by me every single time I needed help and offered me her shoulder to cry on far more many times than I could recall. It is she who told me good night and tucked me in, it is she to whom I ran every single time I had a nightmare. It is she who learned all lessons together with me and it is only her that I can say “I love you” to without lying. Continue reading