Tag Archives: Friendship

Why do we want what we can’t and shouldn’t have? or Jealousy

6 Dec

Airplanes, skype, facetime, whatsapp, viber, and all the technology we have nowadays at our disposal has enabled us to cut travel times, transcend time-zones, remain connected even when we are the furthest away we’ve ever been. Having been to more than 30 countries, going to school on a different continent and simply living to travel, I had always been grateful to the available technology to keep in touch with whomever I meet on my journeys and leave behind when I move on.

Truthfully, I was never a sentimentalist, never crying at the airports and hating to say good-bye, never worried about leaving family, friends, boyfriends, relationships of any kind behind. People told me I am cold-hearted, but I felt I am too young to be tied down and there was so much more ahead of me than anything I could possibly leave behind. I always managed to maintain a distance with respect to the people surrounding me, as I knew I would soon leave. Still, the internet helped me create a sense of an international community that I am part of, having friends all over the globe and knowing I have someone to visit or crash at in all these different places. I always used it more for simply checking in, stalking what people have been up to, making sure I maintain enough of a presence so that people don’t forget me rather than actually maintaining any significant contacts. I only skype my parents when they forgot to refill my card or I miss seeing my dog and probably have two life-long friends that I talk to once every couple of months to make sure we’re seeing each other when we find ourselves in the same country.

And now I get to my story, of how the unexpected happened, and how despite me carefully not forming any lasting emotional attachment in person, I ended up being totally messed up by one formed on the internet.

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Changing my “About” page, again or My life is about to start

13 Jun

I once read a quote, I don’t really remember it, but it said something about how fast everything changes when you are young and during these days I could not agree more. I reread my “about page” as well as a post I wrote about having to change that page, and I notice I almost do not relate to the person who wrote that anymore.

I am no longer a senior, having just graduated and identify as an UCLA freshman. My focus is no longer getting into college and I am no longer stressing with applications but embarking on a journey, as cliché as that may sound.

highschool graduation

In less than 2 months I will pack my life in 2 pieces of luggage, each about 23 kg and fly toward a new life on a new continent, in new city, where I know no one and will only come home for a short period of time next year in June. I am so excited about finally starting to live my dream, but at the same time, I can’t help but feel a tiny little bit anxious. I am thrilled at the possibility of reinventing myself, meeting so many new people and cultures, forming new groups and friendships, doing a lot of extra activities, continue with my passions and simply live. I have waited so long for this moment and I cannot wait for it. Exams now seem pointless, I do not need great grades, but I am studying for them, because this is who I am, I want to be the best, and plus studying keeps me busy and makes time fly faster.

tennis

A huge part of my life until now has been tennis, and I’ve gone through a lot with and for it. Even though I was courted by some Division 1 Universities, together with my family, I decided that I would for sure get into higher ranked colleges just based on my academics and because I was senior year, tennis fell on my priorities list. The transition from international junior player to simply doing it for fun has been extremely difficult for me and I could not adjust to my new position. So, despite not playing competitions during the year, I continued to train at a slower pace but managed to rediscover  the joy of simply being on the court and thus brought a new mentality to my game.

Now, I stand at a crossroad in this area of my life. Both my trainer and I, especially after seeing some videos of UCLA girls playing matches believe I could be on the uni team. I certainly have the level required. But I could not contact the coaches there. I desperately hope that they hold try-outs or at least allow me to challenge members of the team, because I need to know if I’m not good enough for the team or if I could help them and even strengthen it. In preparation for that decision, that is no longer mine, I have started training a little bit harder again, both on and off court and will play my first tournament in almost a year next week. Fingers crossed. I didn’t tell anyone yet, but even if I don’t get on the team, I will continue to train and play at club level and will try, for one year the 10.000$ tournaments, which are the lowest category for above-18 years players. I have saved some money and plan to use it to offer me the chance to fulfill my dream. If it doesn’t work out then I will finally admit that maybe it was not meant for me and focus on something else, but I do not want to live with regrets and questions such as “What if”.

Anyway, much has changed and I am sure I will go through a life-changing process in the next few months and will keep you updated on my other areas of interest which have yet to change, other sports, languages and international politics, but for now I believe I have to go back to studying.
52 days left until my life starts 🙂

life starts now

Am I heartless? or About not sacrificing your dreams for him/her

7 May

I don’t usually write about love or romance simply because it hasn’t been happening for me much.  I didn’t complain about it either simply because it had been a choice of mine. As with friendship or having a social life, I pretty much accepted putting it on the second, maybe third, (ok, maybe forth) place after tennis and all that had to be done to get me away from home. It may sound harsh, and I don’t say I wouldn’t have wanted or enjoyed a relationship, but I acknowledge that I am a very goal-oriented person who set her priorities straight when probably in 4th grade.

But due to some circumstances, which I will shortly detail, I have reached this subject. And for me, there are currently two issues around it.
1.    Is it heartless not to have your partner as your top priority?
2.    Why so serious? Even knowing it’s going to end, why not?

1.    Related to the first question, I always wondered if I was the weird one, not putting my boyfriend above all my other activities.

 

I’ve seen so many cases of girls and women putting their life on hold at a smaller or larger rate for their love-interest it’s kind of saddening to me.
•    My mother could have become a great doctor, a hospital chief, whatever she wanted. Instead, she settled for a teaching position because my dad wanted kids.
•     My sister, even rough she is only 22, almost moved to another country not once but three times for her boy-friend at the time. And when they leave she still makes plans to see them 6 months after their break-ups.
•     My best friend’s sister, who is 21, a bright, extremely intelligent girl, who reached the International Olympiad phase is Biology 3 times, could have gone anywhere to college. Instead, she chose to remain here for her boyfriend at the time and go to Med School. She hates it, feels unchallenged, became frustrated and guess what, they broke up.

There are many examples, but I think I made my case. I decided early on, that I wouldn’t do that. At least not yet, when I am young and have all the possibilities in the world, I will not sacrifice my development for a relationship. Perhaps I’m heartless or perhaps I didn’t meet the great love of my life, but I would never give up my independence, or my dreams and ambitions for someone. Even later one, I doubt that I would be able to do that. To me, a relationship should stand on compromise and not on complete renouncement of either one’s plans.

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I have worked very hard for my future and I will always continue to do so. Just as I tried my best in high-school in order to get into the best university, I will try my best in college to get into the best Master’s Program. I will try the hardest there and get a job where I want at the UN or Ministry of Foreign Affairs. And even then I will try my best to reach a higher position and become an ambassador or who knows what I will want at that time. The point is, that I will always desire and have something planned and I don’t see why I should even consider giving it up or wasting my effort for another person, be that the love of my life.

I am also slightly curious how much my attitude and my thoughts on romance are influenced by my parents’ unsuccessful marriage and my being previously  hurt on the one hand and my being raised as a very independent woman and my being an ambitious goal-oriented person on the other hand.

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I will split this into two posts since surprisingly I have much to express on the topic of romance and the second question reaches a more personal aspect making it thus slightly longer.

But in the end, my question remains. How much of yourself should you sacrifice for a relationship?

On the other end of learning (or About teaching)

4 Mar

I am currently going through a phase of transition in which I feel that I’m simply waiting, not committing to anything, not having a definite purpose. It’s a new feeling for me, who has always had a plan, a schedule and a place to be. Somehow, this is my rebellion. This is the reason I haven’t been writing, because I felt I was not doing anything important or worth sharing and because I didn’t want to turn this blog into my personal diary of daily lamentations and frustrations.

Even so, I do enjoy keeping myself busy and among all little things that have crept into my schedule, like reading, watching series, finally playing some games, going out (all things I thought I missed and wanted to experience) I finally found something to write about:

This weekend I officially became a ski instructor. Continue reading

Trusting anyone is hard after a while

15 Feb

I found it difficult to convince myself to post things here for the past couple of weeks. I felt I was a hypocrite for believing that the stuff I write has any meaning or that the writing itself- any value. I missed it, so I kept writing in my diary but I didn’t trust myself enough to publish anything.

Today, I learned that perhaps trusting somebody isn’t that bad. Having been hiding all my life, pretending, trying to elude questions and maintaining a happy appearance has hardened me. Especially after the one person I confided myself in disappointed me enormously, trust became something nobody could earn from me. All I could see were false friends waiting for the opportunity to see one of my weaknesses, to use the information I would let slip against me or to their own advantage. Slowly but surely, without me even realising I began asking myself every time I spoke: “Do they need to hear this? Does this give any of my secrets away? Could they use this?” Inevitably, I stopped giving voice to many thoughts for this fear. I was never alone, being lonely would be a hint that something was not quite right, that I might not be that happy person. But I didn’t have friends either. I got along with everybody and nobody actually suspected that I didn’t particularly hang out with somebody. I was constantly on the move, gravitating between groups but never really bonding with anyone for fear of being exposed.

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Friend or more? or The Transition

1 Jan

I never thought romance to be high on my priorities list. I always said that being under the constant supervision and interdiction of my parents I would anyway not enjoy a relationship so I never even bothered.

Please notice, this is the first post related to such a topic, and this says a lot. Of course, I had my crushes, my dates and even my boyfriends, but it all happened in short meeting when my friends could cover up for me or when my parents were awake. Especially after a not so nice break-up last year I decide I don’t care anymore, I had to work to get away to a good university abroad and there my life would start. And with my grueling schedule it could not have happened otherwise.

But still, there is one thing that I do not understand. There is one guy, that I truly cared about in the last 4 years. A class mate, that I liked from day one. Our timing was never good, when I liked him, he was in a relationship, afterwards, a mutual friend told him how I felt and after some months he was apparently into me, but I was taken. Time flew by, there were upsets as well, some fights, some confessions, but anyhow we have always spent a lot of time together and we always cared for each other. Until last year, when he went on a bad path and I decided I did not need such drama in my life. But this year, so for the past 4 months, we have been inseparable. I don’t know how it happened, but we grew again closer, nothing romantic and nothing awkward, simple tight friendship.

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