Tag Archives: family

Earlier than sunrise or Being the only one awake

27 Apr

This post comes as the answer to Today’s daily prompt, Early bird, or night owl?,  and is actually something I have long wanted to write about.

Daily Prompt: Your Time to Shine.

Ever since I can remember, I was always the first one to get up in my family. Or probably around the same time as my mother and grandmother. Meeting both of them in the kitchen at 5 am used to be our morning ritual. Perhaps it is in our genetic code to wake up at crazy morning hours but I am and will forever be grateful for this habit.

Simply put, I feel that the earlier you wake up, the longer your day is, and the more you can do.

Sunrise on the tennis court

Waking up before the sun rise or being woken by the sun rays in the summer is probably the best feeling there is. Opening the window, going out for a run when the entire town is still sleeping empowers you, makes you feel you own the world. And in a way, you do. You gain time and momentum and while you live, others miss it. At least this is the way I see it.

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Trusting anyone is hard after a while

15 Feb

I found it difficult to convince myself to post things here for the past couple of weeks. I felt I was a hypocrite for believing that the stuff I write has any meaning or that the writing itself- any value. I missed it, so I kept writing in my diary but I didn’t trust myself enough to publish anything.

Today, I learned that perhaps trusting somebody isn’t that bad. Having been hiding all my life, pretending, trying to elude questions and maintaining a happy appearance has hardened me. Especially after the one person I confided myself in disappointed me enormously, trust became something nobody could earn from me. All I could see were false friends waiting for the opportunity to see one of my weaknesses, to use the information I would let slip against me or to their own advantage. Slowly but surely, without me even realising I began asking myself every time I spoke: “Do they need to hear this? Does this give any of my secrets away? Could they use this?” Inevitably, I stopped giving voice to many thoughts for this fear. I was never alone, being lonely would be a hint that something was not quite right, that I might not be that happy person. But I didn’t have friends either. I got along with everybody and nobody actually suspected that I didn’t particularly hang out with somebody. I was constantly on the move, gravitating between groups but never really bonding with anyone for fear of being exposed.

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Staying on the spot when all I want to do is run

28 Jan

I thought then the moment I would click send on all those applications on the 1st of January I would be overwhelmed by relief and could finally go on with my life. Oh, how wrong I was. All I feel is being restrained and powerless. It may sound dramatic but my future is being decided on somewhere far away and there is nothing more I can do to influence it. For somebody who has always taken pride in being in charge of her life and destiny this state of being is very unusual and comfortable. What is more, it has left me with no incentive for anything and too much time to think. No matter my grades this semester or the ones from the leaving examination everybody is stressing over, I can no longer influence where I will be in 8 months time. And the immensity of possibilities is scary. In 8 months time I could be living my dream in New York and play for a great university having the world at my feet, or I could still be stuck with my family in a city I have wanted to get away from for the last past 10 years. And all I have worked for will be in vain or will pay off.

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Decision or Finding my desire again. I Am a Tennis Player

18 Jan

I always said my greatest fear was being mediocre and that I want to live an exciting life. Well I can assure you I got my wish. I have done some amazing things during my short life but what I feel I have gained the most is the emotional maturity I have reached.

These past two weeks in which I have not written were some of the most demanding and challenging ones I have ever experienced. And I now refer to the emotional roller coaster I have been through and not one of those exciting weeks of visiting 5 countries and trying out living to the full.

And the reason why I have not written is because I do enjoy having clarity in my posts. I want to know what I want to say and how to do it and even in my diary when writing through states of sadness or being angry or extremely happy I usually find that balance between my emotions and the peace of mind I need in order to be coherent.

In my last post I wrote about a decision I had to make and a choice that was laid in front of me. I knew the time was coming to face that question and I still felt unprepared. I had successfully avoided it for the past 10 years of my existence, it was impossible for me to sit down and solve my problem in a few days. Now, I can contently say I know the answer.

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The post I dreaded the most or Do I have to give up tennis?

2 Jan

I need to change my about page . And this is killing me.

I learned to embrace change as a positive thing some time ago. It usually means development, evolution. But today, I am uncertain if this change I need to make can in anyway be for the better. And the dramatic part is that I cannot avoid it.

In short, I am no longer a tennis player on the international junior tour. My last year as a junior has officially ended on the 31st December 2012. And today, in relation to this game I do not know how I stand and what I am.

Questions regarding my future in this sport arose again. Questions I have tried to deffer for as long as possible. That means for the last 10 years, as I have been under constant pressure from my friends, parents and teachers to give it up in order to focus on school.

I know I have always know I would not become pro. I am aware I am not that good and even if I was the career is too uncertain. Even if you have tremendous success you need to retire at 30 and rethink and restart your life over. Of course I dreamed of such a life and quietly hoped I was going to be good enough for it to become my obvious choice.  But despite my hard work and wishes it did not happen that way.

At that point where it became obvious for everyone, including me, that I did not have a future on the pro tour, I came up with the middle way between that life and quitting. I could not even start thinking of giving up, it was that painful. Playing college tennis seemed the answer. I would continue my sports career for at least four more years, have a way to fund my studying and overall be happy. Continue reading

Friend or more? or The Transition

1 Jan

I never thought romance to be high on my priorities list. I always said that being under the constant supervision and interdiction of my parents I would anyway not enjoy a relationship so I never even bothered.

Please notice, this is the first post related to such a topic, and this says a lot. Of course, I had my crushes, my dates and even my boyfriends, but it all happened in short meeting when my friends could cover up for me or when my parents were awake. Especially after a not so nice break-up last year I decide I don’t care anymore, I had to work to get away to a good university abroad and there my life would start. And with my grueling schedule it could not have happened otherwise.

But still, there is one thing that I do not understand. There is one guy, that I truly cared about in the last 4 years. A class mate, that I liked from day one. Our timing was never good, when I liked him, he was in a relationship, afterwards, a mutual friend told him how I felt and after some months he was apparently into me, but I was taken. Time flew by, there were upsets as well, some fights, some confessions, but anyhow we have always spent a lot of time together and we always cared for each other. Until last year, when he went on a bad path and I decided I did not need such drama in my life. But this year, so for the past 4 months, we have been inseparable. I don’t know how it happened, but we grew again closer, nothing romantic and nothing awkward, simple tight friendship.

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Final thoughts or Where I will be next year

31 Dec

Today is the last day of this week’s writing challenge.

An intense week of writing and a habit I hope to continue next year. And I won’t say it’s my resolution to make sure I’ll keep it. It is also the last post of 2012.

2012 was not a bad year at all. But all the conclusions and lessons learned belong in my head and in my heart. On paper belong the thoughts for 2013.

Next year at this time I hope I will be at an amazing party with my newly made friends from the awesome university I’ll be attending, hopefully in the US or UK. No more staying with my parents on New Year’s eve at a sad table.

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