Tag Archives: career

Deciding my future or Writing again, though not a rant

22 Feb

I am a strong, independent young lady that has never lost sight of her goals. Of course, I have had detours, of course there were times when I had doubts or felt disappointed. But, in my heart, I always knew what I wanted, how much I need to work for it, what I need to sacrifice in order to achieve it, and I always were able to make that choice. I walked through hell and back for my dream.

Romance especially, has never been able to make me stray from my path. Then, why now, why does this ordinary guy have this influence on me? And for so long. Why have I allowed my mind to drift away from my work, strayed away from my goal, become insecure, clingy, and awkward?

This is not a rant about my latest crush. This is me, reclaiming my life. Acknowledging the problem is always the first step towards solving it. I realise that this has gotten out of my control and I give myself until next Sunday to solve it. Either something comes out of it, or I will push this issue out of my life.

For the past 7 months I have had to deal with a wide arrange of new issues. Packing my life, moving to the other side of the world was not supposed to be easy. But, I probably should not be surprised that the real problems I encountered were not the stereotypical ones, not the ones I was warned of.

I, personally had to deal with defeat. I didn’t walk on to the women’s tennis team as I had planned on. I was not able to call myself a tennis player anymore. I lost my identity. Not having a coach and not affording to pay a physical trainer, I allowed myself to become ordinary. I put on 10 kilograms, and those were not the freshman 15. Since I moved to college and until my supposed “try-outs” I had actually lost weight. I was ready, prepared, fit. It was the disappointment, the loss of a goal and the entire situation with this guy that made me go back to sweets, to chocolate, to avoiding the running track, to avoiding the gym.

Today, I decided I cannot give up. Even if I have to take another path, I am a tennis player. I will train by myself and I will work harder than the others and I can and will still get there. And this starts today, with the first 25 days left until my first major competition in almost a year. A lot depends on it, but more depends on how I prepare for it, and how I change back to who I am supposed to be when entering such a competition.

This however, will turn into a long-term goal. As long as I am not on the team here at UCLA, it means that I am a full-time student, working towards my academic future and my career. Yes, my dream is to become a professional tennis player. But even if that becomes a reality, which I promise I will do anything in my power to make it such, I will still have my career to go to. I will be someone important. I will work at the highest level in government, nationally and internationally. I see myself as a politician, as a delegate to the UN, as foreign minister, as a diplomat. I belong there, and again, I will do everything it takes to take my rightful spot.

I will make the right choices and I will follow my plan. Becoming involved, having those positions on the board of the tennis club, the MUN club, the Romanian club, my sorority will lead me there. Doing the research projects for my Poli-Sci 199, my quarter in Washington will get me there. Getting a job will help me on my way. Interning during the quarter in Washington and during the summer will do its part. Being trained in public speaking, in making friends and acquaintances, in putting myself out there will become the foundation of my highway towards those upper levels.

Yes, I now have another set goal, the devised plan to get there and the motivation to embark on another journey. Until I graduate or make the team, I will still have my personal side quest, tennis, that I am all in for. I am in no way giving up on that there or not even putting it on hold. I am officially making it a well guarded secret so I can work on it without pressure or distractions. The goal is to maintain and slowly raise my level of consistency, confidence and experience until I will allow myself to fully dedicate my time to it. Even if this means the next 2 years and a half. I have the patience and the determination to pursue something like this. Becomes it will make me feel special and it will provide me with the incentive necessary to put in the hours that I will have to put in. And those are long hours that await me. Hitting with people, running in the mornings and going to the gym, all as side-notes to doing homework, preparing my lessons, doing the research and becoming as involved in extracurriculars such as a job, a club and my sorority.

I realise it is a lot, but this is exactly what I need. Give me a free day ahead, I will accomplish nothing for all those 24 hours and feel disappointed. Provide me with an impossibly challenging schedule for the day that awaits me, I will get everything done and feel empowered. This is me, and I embrace it. I rejoice in being so.

 I am taking a stance.

 I am back.

And this time, I am neither stopping nor slowing down.

Am I heartless? or About not sacrificing your dreams for him/her

7 May

I don’t usually write about love or romance simply because it hasn’t been happening for me much.  I didn’t complain about it either simply because it had been a choice of mine. As with friendship or having a social life, I pretty much accepted putting it on the second, maybe third, (ok, maybe forth) place after tennis and all that had to be done to get me away from home. It may sound harsh, and I don’t say I wouldn’t have wanted or enjoyed a relationship, but I acknowledge that I am a very goal-oriented person who set her priorities straight when probably in 4th grade.

But due to some circumstances, which I will shortly detail, I have reached this subject. And for me, there are currently two issues around it.
1.    Is it heartless not to have your partner as your top priority?
2.    Why so serious? Even knowing it’s going to end, why not?

1.    Related to the first question, I always wondered if I was the weird one, not putting my boyfriend above all my other activities.

 

I’ve seen so many cases of girls and women putting their life on hold at a smaller or larger rate for their love-interest it’s kind of saddening to me.
•    My mother could have become a great doctor, a hospital chief, whatever she wanted. Instead, she settled for a teaching position because my dad wanted kids.
•     My sister, even rough she is only 22, almost moved to another country not once but three times for her boy-friend at the time. And when they leave she still makes plans to see them 6 months after their break-ups.
•     My best friend’s sister, who is 21, a bright, extremely intelligent girl, who reached the International Olympiad phase is Biology 3 times, could have gone anywhere to college. Instead, she chose to remain here for her boyfriend at the time and go to Med School. She hates it, feels unchallenged, became frustrated and guess what, they broke up.

There are many examples, but I think I made my case. I decided early on, that I wouldn’t do that. At least not yet, when I am young and have all the possibilities in the world, I will not sacrifice my development for a relationship. Perhaps I’m heartless or perhaps I didn’t meet the great love of my life, but I would never give up my independence, or my dreams and ambitions for someone. Even later one, I doubt that I would be able to do that. To me, a relationship should stand on compromise and not on complete renouncement of either one’s plans.

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I have worked very hard for my future and I will always continue to do so. Just as I tried my best in high-school in order to get into the best university, I will try my best in college to get into the best Master’s Program. I will try the hardest there and get a job where I want at the UN or Ministry of Foreign Affairs. And even then I will try my best to reach a higher position and become an ambassador or who knows what I will want at that time. The point is, that I will always desire and have something planned and I don’t see why I should even consider giving it up or wasting my effort for another person, be that the love of my life.

I am also slightly curious how much my attitude and my thoughts on romance are influenced by my parents’ unsuccessful marriage and my being previously  hurt on the one hand and my being raised as a very independent woman and my being an ambitious goal-oriented person on the other hand.

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I will split this into two posts since surprisingly I have much to express on the topic of romance and the second question reaches a more personal aspect making it thus slightly longer.

But in the end, my question remains. How much of yourself should you sacrifice for a relationship?