Knowing it’s going to end or Do you still try?

9 May

Getting to the second part of my post about love (This was the first: Am I heartless? or About not sacrificing your dreams for him/her.)

So basically I have reached the second question which was:

2. Why so serious? Even knowing it’s going to end, why not?

I wonder why more and more people are so set on sealing the deal. I see so many young people settling for less then they deserve and know they deserve only out of safety reasons. Don’t they still want to try, experience, have fun anymore? Are they so afraid there won’t be a next guy/girl that likes them back?

I am not against serious relationships. I love seeing even young people in such a relationship that they are perfectly comfortable with the other person, they even seem married. A longer relationship is a sign of compatibility and trust and maturity. But when this is not the case, why force it? Is it wrong to be able to move on or not desire this?

I’m finally reaching my case now and the reason of starting this post. When I turned 18, I said that come what may, I will not go to college without having a little bit more experience in this romance field. I felt inexperienced, insecure and was afraid that when I would finally meet someone that I am seriously interested in I will not know what to do.

Finally appearing open and available and without the pressure of hiding from my parents or having to enter a relationship, some week-long trips (MUN ones) made me comfortable in this respect.
And even though it would have been nice, back at home, any relationship was still out of the question.

But you can’t plan everything right? Last week, out of the blue, I received a friend request. The guy, Emi, I’ve known him for 16 years and went at the same kinder-garden and primary school and have history together. Two years ago, we were kind of together and one day, before Valentine’s Day, he simply disappeared, not before letting me see a status saying he loved a certain other girl. Yes, it hurt, and yes I swore not to let anyone take me for granted again, but when he wrote to me now, even after so much time, I had an immediate physical reaction, my heart beating faster and my stomach feeling as if it had been punched. I couldn’t even be mad or ignore him, and I had to admit how much he means to me, much more than anyone I’ve ever been involved with.

We talked and talked and through excuses and explanations from both side, but especially his, we figured out what has been happening all these years and he let me know, that if I still wanted, he was here for me. That he is in it for a serious relationship and started talking and fantasizing about the future, our future. He doesn’t know about my acceptance to the universities in the States.

So I was faced with a question. I have less than three months until I leave, hopefully without coming back until next year (ruling out a long-distance relationship). In my logical way, together with a friend we decided to do a for and against list. At that point it was clear to me that I wanted this, the question was if I should. The reasons for were simple:
– I more than liked him and this feeling last for some many years now
– I did want a relationship before I left
– I believed/trusted that he would not repeat the phase of two years ago
Then why not?
-He obviously wants more than I
-He will get hurt
-It will end in less than 3 months even if everything goes perfectly

I decided I preferred 3 amazing months that will probably be the best of my life, together with the person I definitely felt the most in my life for, rather than play it safe and be afraid. Afraid that he might do that again and afraid that it will hurt so badly.  I do feel sorry for him, and I still don’t know how and when I will tell him, but after all, I did have my future long set before he realised what he wanted and I did want to experience a relationship before I set for college.

So am I too pragmatic? Does my thinking mean that I don’t feel enough? According to my sister and some friends, it does. But I know how I feel. I know that I’ve never felt so strong about anyone and the fact that I could forgive and forget what has been before should speak for my feelings. But I also know how hard I’ve worked for my future, for my escape from home. I know I deserve more and that this will be an experience, something I will learn from and will help me in my future relationships. And yes, I am able to think about future relationships, because this one will end. There is no point in being realistic about it. And I would probably think the same even if I wasn’t leaving for another continent shortly. Because I am young, and I want to feel and experience more. I want to suffer from a broken heart but also have someone mend it afterwards. I want to cry of joy and of sadness. I will travel the world, and probably not settle somewhere for a long time, so this is in it for me. And I embrace it. I desire it.

This is life to me.


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