Staying on the spot when all I want to do is run

28 Jan

I thought then the moment I would click send on all those applications on the 1st of January I would be overwhelmed by relief and could finally go on with my life. Oh, how wrong I was. All I feel is being restrained and powerless. It may sound dramatic but my future is being decided on somewhere far away and there is nothing more I can do to influence it. For somebody who has always taken pride in being in charge of her life and destiny this state of being is very unusual and comfortable. What is more, it has left me with no incentive for anything and too much time to think. No matter my grades this semester or the ones from the leaving examination everybody is stressing over, I can no longer influence where I will be in 8 months time. And the immensity of possibilities is scary. In 8 months time I could be living my dream in New York and play for a great university having the world at my feet, or I could still be stuck with my family in a city I have wanted to get away from for the last past 10 years. And all I have worked for will be in vain or will pay off.

It’s simply amazing that in two months time I will find out whether giving up any king of social life or activity and burying myself in school work and activities for the past 8 years will count for anything or not. And I know that I have waited so long for this change to happen in my life that 2 months should not seem so long but in fact they do. And especially because of the doubts. I am 18 years old and I do want to try things out. I now have tasted a little bit of other worlds that I could easily be part of and I would fit in but I never could because of my schedule. And I still don’t know if it was worth it. Yes, obviously if I do get in a good university it will have been worth every lost weekend, every turned down invitation and every minute of studying, but if not? What then? I will go to the same university back home which some of my friends will attend as well but who have only prepared for some months and did not have to give up anything.

possible futures

possible futures

And it’s so stupid because I feel older, I feel ready to live but in any way I cannot. Even if, fingers crossed, I do get in a great university in the states, that experience is 8 months away. Until then I still cannot go out with a guy, I cannot attend a party, I cannot go to the mountains with my friends, because I am still stuck in my family. I want to be able to make my own choices and know that if I prefer to stay indoors and watch a movie in bed on a Friday night it’s my choice and not what my parents desire or that if the cute guy I just met on the slope asked me out to an après-ski pub I could enjoy a coffee date without having to tell anybody where I go, with whom and what time I will be back. I do need freedom and unfortunately it is not in sight at the moment.

no freedom
So yes, two months of pure mental torture and after that still 6 month of living like an incarcerated person do not seem the perfect way to spend the year it was supposed to be the best one so far. 18 years and doing nothing. It’s sad and it feels pathetic and there is nothing I can do and that makes it even worse. But I am not the one to give up. I will spend these remaining months to prepare for who I want to be once away, and I have already started shaping my life a little bit. For example, being the passionate skier and snowboarder I have always imagined I would joing the crew of instructors at the resort where I usually ski. So this year, I took the last lessons from the guys up there, telling them I will pass the examination next year and I can almost say I am now part of their group. But it’s bitter sweet, because I am only half-way there. One of the guys asked me if I wanted to join one of their rides off-piste they were planning and I had to deny because no, I couldn’t stay longer there because They also told me about an upcoming competition and how I could easily take part in, because I became much better but I cannot go because my parents cannot conceive the thought of me taking part in competitions other than tennis ones. So this is a perfect example of a world I would gladly go in but am denied entrance because I am still not free to make my decisions.
The examples are many but it does me no good to dwell on those possibilities while knowing I cannot pursue any of them. Anyway, I try to stay focused on my tennis and at least maintaining the façade of a good student but it’s becoming increasingly hard and I see no escape and no purpose whatsoever.

I am suffocating but I will not drown. One breath at a time, one small step after another and even if nothing changes in the next 8 months, time does not stop. One way or another, I will get to the end of this period and hopefully I will get there successfully, motivated and ready to begin my life.


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