Friend or more? or The Transition

1 Jan

I never thought romance to be high on my priorities list. I always said that being under the constant supervision and interdiction of my parents I would anyway not enjoy a relationship so I never even bothered.

Please notice, this is the first post related to such a topic, and this says a lot. Of course, I had my crushes, my dates and even my boyfriends, but it all happened in short meeting when my friends could cover up for me or when my parents were awake. Especially after a not so nice break-up last year I decide I don’t care anymore, I had to work to get away to a good university abroad and there my life would start. And with my grueling schedule it could not have happened otherwise.

But still, there is one thing that I do not understand. There is one guy, that I truly cared about in the last 4 years. A class mate, that I liked from day one. Our timing was never good, when I liked him, he was in a relationship, afterwards, a mutual friend told him how I felt and after some months he was apparently into me, but I was taken. Time flew by, there were upsets as well, some fights, some confessions, but anyhow we have always spent a lot of time together and we always cared for each other. Until last year, when he went on a bad path and I decided I did not need such drama in my life. But this year, so for the past 4 months, we have been inseparable. I don’t know how it happened, but we grew again closer, nothing romantic and nothing awkward, simple tight friendship.

So it happens that holidays came, and we found out that we were both going to the same mountain resort with our families. Needless to say we decided he would take me out and save me from dying of boredom with my parents, and luckily enough they agreed, saying it was holiday and I finally deserved a free pass. So how come, that even though, he told my best friend he likes me and has always been attracted to me, he did not make one move. And though I do not have a crush on him anymore, I let him know it was possible. After all, I am bored, and I do care for him, and we already spend so much time together, and each of our friends continuously tell us how great we are for each other, and we certainly fit together.

So why did he not take this opportunity? I made my steps even though I did not wish for it. I was curious, and he did act as in those days when he admitted he liked me. Why are we still acting like three years ago? Why does he fear we are going to ruin our friendship, as he told my friend he did? Why when we have so little time left and so little opportunity and we even saw how it was without each other?

I do not understand, but the more we are going into that zone, the more I start to care and let my thoughts run freely. And this is how we ruined it last time. Why are we repeating the same mistake? I feel stupid and disappointed even though I honestly did not expect anything. And didn’t even want it. But this whole scenario seems familiar. And we keep getting closer together, without changing our status and admitting to each other. And it will be ruined again. And as I said before, I don’t need this anymore than I did 2 years ago. But still, why does this happen? Why is it so hard to give it a try? Why do I start caring and wishing it?

I feel clueless, and I feel 14 again. This is absolutely not what I wished for for this holiday. And still I am glad, he was here for me and still is around. Perhaps, that is why. We are too comfortable this way to change our situation. But at least I know this situation will come to and end. Doesn’t he?


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