It’s been almost a month now in which I haven’t written a post or anything basically, except for 2 college essays. so long, that I forgot the password to my wordpress account. So long that I have asked myself if I wanted to come back. So long that I’ve been through the phases of “I must make time to write”, “Oh, I miss writing”, “It’s been 2 weeks now, too bad” and “Did it mean anything if I could go for one month without it?”.
And then almost a week ago, I started a thing I usually do when I’m in doubt of something. Perhaps it’s stupid. No, actually I’m sure it’s stupid. But until now, it has been my way of doing things and it has worked so far, so I decided to do it again. When I doubt whether I still want to do something, or whether I need someone, or whether one object/person still has place in my life, I try do see if I can live without it and for how long.
After a huge fight with my sister I decided I didn’t need her in my life. I came to the conclusion that such an unhealthy relationship was only harming me and though it may appear selfish or simply mean, I cut her out from my life. We probably didn’t talk for about six months and the only reason why I am talking to her today is that our “not talking” affected my mother so much, that she begged me to recommence a relationship with her.This period of time, and its length, was a test that our bond failed and though I now talk to, help and support my sister, it does not affect me anymore, whether positively or negatively. It’s become a chore to me and though at times annoying, I am now certain of the value this relationship has to me. I no longer have expectations from it, so I am no longer disappointed.
And this is only an example of many things I have put through this test, but another major one was what has for 14 years meant my life: tennis. Despite the fact that I have always loved playing above everything else, my parents never allowed it to come first in my life. And this summer and at the beginning of my senior year, when it became clear that I would not attend a university based on an athletic scholarship (not that I didn’t have offers from Division I schools, but because my parents considered I could get into better university only based on my academic merits) the question of the purpose of my playing tennis arose again. And after making my schedule and realising I would only have time for 2 or 3 trainings I wondered whether I shouldn’t stop playing altogether. I knew that at such a rate I would never improve, or worse, fall back, and realised tennis would only mean frustration and remembrance of better times from that moment on. So, I applied my test, and despite crying almost every day, I announced everybody I gave up and didn’t go to training for about 3 weeks. Never in my life before was I so unhappy and so miserably as in those weeks and at the end of that month I realised that I could not go on like that. I decided tennis had a too greater importance for me and my sanity and that I could not stop playing. So again, sleep hours were cut off and I managed to squeeze in 4, 5 training a week. (Still less than I had previously done, but at least enough for me to maintain my level or even improve at a slow rate).
Through this method I decided and convinced myself of the priority that many things have in my life, from the most trivial ones such as toys or clothes to the biggest issues in my life. And this principle that “what truly matters to you, you cannot live without” is my scale of value.
And now, having explained my weird method of deciding the importance of things in my life I can resume my blog and writing activity. After a month of missing this page, my keyboard, my diary and my pen, I am certain without doubt that writing has become a too big part of me and my life to let anything interfere with it. So from now on, as I did with tennis, I have and will have no remorse when I skip an activity or neglect anything in favour of my writing since I have now seen it’s impossible for me to be without it. Though perhaps not as great as in the case of my playing tennis, the sense of loss when I stopped writing and posting was too great for me to allow it to happen again and though perhaps early, my resolution (and not only for this New Year) is not to stop this activity so dear to my heart and necessary for my well-being.